lenny_toucan (lenny_toucan) wrote,

By text. And it went downhil from there.


We'd argued the night before. I knew it was bad; I'd gone round his with the picture I'd painted for him, just in case it was my last chance. He told me his depression had hit again, and he needed his space. I said, fine, just tell me how long it'll be or I'll go crazy. He said everything was all my fault. And that nothing was my fault. He threw a pile of song lyrics at me, shortly followed by a photo album given to him by his ex. I threw an ultimatum his way and left.

I'm so sorry that I'm too cowardly to do this in person...

He text me from his house accross the road. 14th of Febuary 2008.

I was sad, but understood his reasons. He wasn't well, and needed to spend all his effort on making his relationship with himself work, before he could concentrate on anyone else. And maybe I could still wait for him to come out the other side. I put a film on, had a little sob, and began getting over him.

Knock Knock


The door opened and three of my flatmates edged in.

"Have you read your emails?"


"Threre's.... There's one from Nathan. It went out to every psychology student at the Uni."


"It was meant for Lauren, his ex..."

Laptop on. Internet connected. University email account accessed. And there it was. For Lauren, it was titled. What followed was a thousand word essay on how much he loved her, how much he missed her, how no one had ever come close to being so perfect, how no one ever could. He'd messed it up and she'd broken all ties with him, so the only way he could think of telling her this was through this over-blown romantic gesture, abusing the university's mailing lists to ensure thatnot just she, but all her friends too, received it.

I scanned through, searching for an apology, an acknowledgement even, of the pain it could bring to me, named or not. But nothing. Not a thought. Not a care that that email would land in my own inbox on the very same day, just two hours after ending it with me via sms.

I had to text him.

You heartless bastard.

You don't know the half of it. he replied.

It was several days before I was strong enough to leave the house. The heartbreak was one thing, but it was the humiliation that got to me. It's not a big city: we all know each other. I couldn't face going to lectures, hearing the gossiping girls in front- "Did you get that email from that guy too?!. I became one cliche after the next - a 'shell of my former self'. No more was I the casual, carefree girl with the 5-day plan for getting over men. I was now the bitter, broken recluse, wondering what she could've done differently.

Of course that didn't last forever, or I wouldn't be here writing this today. A few weeks later and I decided it was time to sort myself out. I called up Benji, a friend from work who I'd dated very briefly while me and Nathan were enjoying a 'cold' spell, and then called it off when things got hot again. We went out for a nice meal, then topped it off by going for a drink down the pub so he could meet my mates.

We walked in to the local and Amy greeted me with an unexpected hug.

"He's here." she whispered discretely in my ear.

Down by the pool table. Laughing and joking. Laughing and joking with.... with Becky? Becky. The sweet girl from my dissertation group? The petite brunette who had been a good aquaintance for pretty much my entire uni life?

Me and Benji didn't last much longer. He was sweet, but I knew he was just a rebound,and didn't deserve the shit. Nathan and Becky, of course, became the city's sweethearts. I think they're still together now, trying to make the long distance thing work.

I never allowed myself to feel all the hatred I wanted to feel for her. It wasn't her fault, and we were never close enough for her to have betrayed me, and I want nothing more for her than happiness. It's just a shame that right now she finds her happiness from his happiness.

Me? Well, I'm still single. I gave myself a break from men for a while until I had stopped hurting, and since then, no one's really come along. At times I feel lonely, and perhaps still a little bitter that I'm the one alone on Valentine's Day. But mostly I feel content, perhaps a little proud even, that I've been strong enough to hold out for someone who really is right for me, not just someone to fill the void. I find solace in Karma and wait patiently for the world to right itself and hand out his come-uppance.

So that.... that is some of what I've been doing since I abandoned this place. I haven't even started on the Dan saga yet..!
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