lenny_toucan (lenny_toucan) wrote,
lenny_toucan
lenny_toucan




Dan came round earlier and I was all riled up to shout at him for being a complete twat. I've barely spoken to him in over a week, which is shocking when we live a 10min walk away. He's had his work to do, and he's been really stressed over it all, because realisation that he's wasted the last 2 and a half years at uni had only dawned on him a few weeks ago. So I've been patient. I really don't mind being put in 3rd place sometimes behind his degree and his mates. But what I was pissed off with was that he's had to cancel on me because of this mountain of work he's got to do - yet he still spends half his time watching telly.

So I was fuming. I was ready to tell him that if he couldn't give me that respect, if he couldn't organise his life to factor in one more person, then he's better off alone.

BUT

Before I had a chance to let it all out, he had a few things to say himself. It turns out for the 6 months I've known him I've been completely oblivious to his drug addiction. He's also battling with depression (although I kinda knew about that already), oh and a few weeks back his ex told him she might've given him an STI. One large dose of Gob-Smack for me then. Anyway he's all clear on the STI front which is a huge relief. I'd rather he hadn't told me though, not if i didn't have anything to worry about, because it took him 5 minutes to find the words and i was just sat there waiting for him to finally get round to telling me what god-awful sex-lurgey he'd infected me with. I was expecting him next to reveal he was actually gay on top of all that, as that last one would really not suprise me, what with my track record.

Basically, he confessed to me what a mess he was, and he came over really to finish it, because although he really likes me, he can't give me what I want, because he's just too wrapped up in his own bubble of self to be able to factor in another person. And here comes the idiot bit.

I can't let go easily. I really can't. And I can't help but go after the fuck-ups. The slightest hint that someone's broken and needs fixing, you can guarantee I'll be there with some sick fantasy that I can make everything better.

I told him we couldn't just give up. That he couldn't just resign himself to being that character, that it's up to him to change himself. There was no way that I could let him just walk away after that. I couldn't watch him just get deeper in to this spiral of depression and drugs, drifting in and out of relationships without ever being able to settle, even if only just for a while.

By this point he was crying, but I just couldn't... I'd switched in to Nightline/Mental Health Volunteer/Psychologist mode. He kept looking up at me with his bloodshot eyes, looking for some hint of emotion, and I found myself faking a couple of tears so he would realise that I really did care.

So we made a deal: I would understand that he's 'a bit weird', and we would let me know what was going on in his head. If he needed some time to himself, then I would let him have it, but he would have to let me know, rather than just going silent.

I don't know how this is going to work out. My friends say I'm only going to get hurt, and that I deserve more than just a part-time boyfriend. But I'm not so sure. I don't fom my bonds in the same way as most people. I've got to at least give this a go. It may take months of emotional draining, to help him, and that's being optimistic, but the way I see it is... what is a few months of me struggling, when I might be able to prevent a whole lifetime of struggle for him? I can't let this one go just yet.

Missy Higgins - Ten Days
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