Log in

lenny_toucan's Journal
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lenny_toucan's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
7:12 pm
The Beautiful OnesCollapse )

And now to prepare for my night of indulgence with an early easter egg and maybe a glass of wine. Why? Because:

a) 'Aunt Flo' is visiting and it is a girl's god-given right to eat as much chocolate as she likes during these difficult few days
b) At 9pm Channel 5 is showing Grissom's last ever episode of CSI, and I will probably cry.
and c) Easter egg chocolate always tastes nicer than normal chocolate.
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
7:34 pm
Ok, this is getting incredibly weird and slightly pathetic now.

I often have dreams, but they're rarely logical, or genuinly true to life.I wake up and can say for certain there was no chance they could be anything but a dream.

Recently, however, I've been having some very realistic dreams. About Dan. A few weeks ago, they were about us getting back together. Short, simple segments of a fantasy life where we're arm in arm and we fit so snuggly. They were nice. But weird. Bear in mind these weren't 'daydreams', or anything that I felt I had any mental, conscious control over. They just happened. And then I just felt all pathetic that he'd clearly been playing on my mind so much.

The last few haven't been quite so happy. In two of them, he had a girlfriend. The last of those I remember quite well. She was a nice girl; plain but pleasant, and made him happy. They were so close, and I was so jelous, but all I could do was smile and tell him how happy I was for him.

Last night, I was visiting the girls in bangor, and he was there too. He was saying goodbye to his friends, as he was moving to Austria. I won't go in to it any more as it's always boring when people describe their dreams. But I woke up quite deflated and it's just stuck in mymind so strongly today.

I need to get him out of my head. It's embarrasing and not like me at all. What's quite funny is that he's nothing but a drugged-up waster. Yeah, he's got a job now, but he's still living life like a hippy. And then for something ironic my mum told me on Sunday night: "The reason I nag you about finding another job is because I don't want you to have to rely on a man"

Needless to say me and mum aren't that close and she obviously doesn't know that

a) I'm a feminist

and b) Seemingly the more impoverished and useless a bloke is, the more attractive I find him.

Anyway this is all turning in to an incredibly pointless entry, so I'll leave it on something else equally trivial - Oh Em Gee, Grissom's leaving CSI!
Sunday, February 15th, 2009
8:03 pm
My head hurts and I just want to curl up and go to sleep, but it's only 8pm so it's not a good idea. I don't even have the telly to distract myself; the plug for the aerial in the wall is broken and the landlord's too lazy to do anything bar impromptu and illegal random room checks. I will be moaning to the letting agent on weds. Nicky at work was telling me about a place owned by someone she knows - they're thinking of letting it out for £350/mo plus bills, split between the three rooms. Apparently it's a nice modern house, and actually has a living room, which will be a change from the last 3yrs. Luxury, ey. It won't be ready until april/may, and I'm not really sure if I'll be here much after that, but she knows I'm interested. I just wish I could move in tomorrow.

Dad said that when I find a 'proper' job (i.e. the assistant psychlogist job I'm meant to be looking for now) then he'll help me buy a house. I keep seeing things in shops and planning out where to put them in my imaginary house. We have a new style of cat beds at the pet shop I work in and they're really nice. It's so tempting to buy one now with my discount and keep it for my future cat. This is a stupid idea as I have no where to put a future cat bed, in the one room I rent. I can't even fit my stupid yoga ball in without balancing it on my hamster's cage. Buying THAT was a stupid idea too.

I had a really lovely dream about Dan last night. We were both back in Bangor and met up at a friends. He had a new tattoo on his arm which he was showing me. I'll skip lightly over the bit about the tattoo being some sort of coded bus timetable,because the real sweet part was the way we just ended up cwtched up again like we used to, all so carefully entangled. I used to fit so perfectly in his arms.

I really need to give up on this one. Drop the dead donkey, as the phrase goes. Only this donkey keeps twiching with life just when I'm about to give up on it.

I'm gonna go make a hot chocolate. With squirty cream on. That'll cure this headache.
Saturday, February 14th, 2009
7:55 pm
On this day last year, I got dumped.Collapse )

So that.... that is some of what I've been doing since I abandoned this place. I haven't even started on the Dan saga yet..!
Friday, June 29th, 2007
4:55 pm
My keys are still M.I.A. Well, techinically, I know where they are now, they're at the sortinf office and have been for over a week now, except the postman didn't drop off a note to let me know that. And I can't get to them now because of the postal strike. Yeah, it's all well and good them wanting better pay... but I need to get in to my house.

I went on an uber job hunt in cheltenham t'other day. I don't want to have to move back there, I'll miss all my bangor peeps too much. BUT good news is Shakes have already rung to ask me in for an interview, so I'll have my fingers crossed for that. It would be quite nice to work at Shakes... Ilove it there, but I'd get so fat surrounded by all the yummy stuff. Plus it's part-time so I would be able to get back every so often and catch up.

I'm hoping that if anyone else wants me to go back for an interview that they're decently spaced 'cause it'd pee me off having to do the 4hr trip back and forth every day.

Well, things are looking up a tad, but we'll just wait and see I guess.

p.s. sainsbury's rocks - they sell triple sec and let me have 8 loo rolls for FREE. Niiiice.
Monday, June 25th, 2007
12:31 am
Right, so how is it that bums like chris can get a job, when all he does is sit on his fat arse and read the paper all day, yet absolutely no where will even consider me.

You would think that with the amount of CVs and application forms I've handed in that someone somewhere will be interested. Basic laws of probability.... or is some lucky bastard sat their with their post-box briming with job offers?

I had an interview on earlier this week with tescos. They called me on monday, while i was at home, not bangor, to invite me for an interview. I was originally planning on driving back weds afternoon, but the latest they were interviewing was weds mornning. So I made plans to drive back early in order to make it, only I'm an hour down the M5 and the engine of my car cuts out.

I'm sat waiting on the side of the road for an hour, with pervy lorry drivers honking away, waiting for the rcovery man to pick me up. And by that time all the garages are shut, and there was no use waiting til the morning for it to be fixed as I had to be in Tescos for 10.30am.

I got the train back, and arrived in at midnight. I turned up to the interview, a group interview, on time the next day. I answered all the questions confidently and politely, was enthusiastic and friendly, and they send me a shitty rejection letter on friday.

With the cost of the train ticket home, the towing back to my mum and dad's house, fixing the actual car and buying a train ticket to go back up on tuesday to pick the sodding thing up, it's all adding up to over £300 for a sodding interview. And what have I got to show for it? Sweet fuck all.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm smart, well spoken, well educated, (fairly) quick learner... I'm keen (believe me, I'm keen), I'm polite and I'm reliable. NO. I don't have bar experience. But I've got to fuckign start somewhere. And NO I can't fucking give you any good refferences because no one at Next had time to know me, and the nly other company i worked for, that I slogged my fucking arse off on my own every week, basically acting manager DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST ANYMORE.

I'm really trying not to take this personally because I've applied for things I know I'd be brilliant at, and when a guy commonly known as Chris the Bum get's hired to work in a pub, and a renowned stoner can work in tescos, then what the fuck am I doing wrong?

I just really really hate this and there's nothing more I can do to change it.

OH and Alun, you can fuck off back to Cardiff. Stop fucking poking me on facebook. We haven't spoken for 9 months, and that does not constitue an apology, so if you're wanting to get back in contact, even if it is just because you think I've broken up with my boyfriend and will now shag you, you can at least do me the decent thing and HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH ME.

sorry, I'll calm down in a bit.
Friday, June 22nd, 2007
9:39 pm
i don't know.
Monday, June 18th, 2007
11:43 am
I'm feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. Just one of those lows I get every so often, and I guess others get them too.

I just... hmmm... I just feel like I don't make quite the dent in people's lives as I'd like to think sometimes.

I guess it started to go a little downhill at Lani's leaving party. Everyone was reminiscing about the first year and there was no mention of me. Even when we all ended up standing on the chairs, singing loudly and tunelessly in to wooden spoons.... I started that, but there wasn't a hint of anyone realising that, not even a knowing nod in my direction to simply say 'hey do you remember when you first did this in our kitchen and we all started laughing at you for being a loon but by the end of the year we were all joining in!'

I've also realised (again) that I am shite at making friends. I've never been able to form a true 'best friend' relationship - I've always had several close friends, all in different 'groups' who I would hop to and from as and when the mood suits. It used to be alright, but the last couple of years I've started to feel like I'm missing out on something, a companionship. So I tried... and the best I got was Hannah G, which is great, it really is. We're not the most openly affectionate of best mates, but it seems to suit the both of us just fine... it's an unspoken sort of friendship. But she's at uni in Manchester and I feel sometimes in Bangor I'm lacking something.

My friendship with Hannah D in the first year was a disaster. I tried to make the 'BFF' crap work but I just got fucked about. And I guess that's why I have always found this whole thing difficult - I've never been one for putting all my eggs in one basket, relying so heavily on just one person to care about you and be there for you when you need them. I I take a risk, change my ways, and look what happened.

So when things started to go belly-up with Han, me and Em stumbled in to a new closeness. But I invited her on holiday with me and got screwed over. Again. And the effort that she's put in has just been creeping down gradually over the year, and she's been pissing me off a lot more, now she's going out with Sparky. I've moaned about their superior-coupleyness before on here, so I won't go in to it much. It was just on Saturday lunchtime when it was the last straw. I was just about to leave to go home, and tried to find Laura and/or Amy, just to let someone know I was off (they seem to be the only people who have much time for me now) but they couldn't be found. I don't usually like knocking on Em's door, even though she is in the room next to mine, because for the last 6 months she's been so busy that she's either out, working or shagging. And there's not much point in knocking for any of those. But I could hear her laughing from the corridor, and thought it would be rude for me to just ignore it and leave without telling anyone I was off. So I knocked, and the laughter suddenly fell silent. Why does she do that? She knows perfectly well that the walls are thin enough to hear a normal level of conversation, let alone her loud cackling. We all know each other well enough that if we do happen to be... otherwise engaged... when someone knocks, we shout 'sorry! naked! come back later!' or something. I stood there for a while wondering what to do, and eventually the laughter started up again. I knocked again, received more silence, and so called through the door 'Em, sorry, but I just thought I'd let you know I'm going now, so bye!'. And still nothing. Not even a quick 'Bye' through the door. I know it's not much, but that's exactly my point.

This year I had Caz. I think she's ace, we get on so well, and she's exactly what I've been needing. But she lives an hour away and for family reasons not fully known to us, she spends most of her time there now. She's not reliable anymore, and we haven't seen her for weeks.

I still have Amy and Laura, who are great. But sometimes I feel like I've sort of forced myself upon them. They talk to me 'cause I'm sat in their rooms, they invite me out, because I'm there when they make plans.

I just need a bit of confirmation sometimes that I'm an ok person to know, otherwise this happens and I feel like shit. I would really love to know why I'm no good at this friendship malarky. Am I just so irritating that people can't put up with me longer than a year? Am I just somehow drawn to people who are destined to fuck me over? Or is this just how this whole life thing works - moving from one fuck-up to the next?

I haven't heard anything from anyone in Bangor since I left on Friday. Not even a message to ask if I got home ok. Not even from my own boyfriend - I could've died in a car crash on my way back for all they know. I was planning on extending my stay here at home for a few more days, see if they notice I'm not back, but in actual fact I've had to cut it short. Tesco rang me up this morning to ask me to come to a group interview on Wednesday morning. They can't seem me any later so I'm going to have to drive home tomorrow night. It's good news that I've been called back, but I know there'l be a lot of competition. I really hope I get this. I can't afford to stay in Bangor much longer. But I really don't want havce to stay here at home the whole summer. I'll be even more depressed here than in Bangor.
Saturday, June 16th, 2007
10:01 pm
What does he want?

Alun, the Welsh wanker from last summer keeps 'poking' me on facebook. And I've got drawn in to poking him too, in the hope that I'll get some sort of answer to this question. He sent me a message too, saying 'mmmm', I responded with 'ffff'. He replied with 'eh?' and I told him I thought we were just typing random letters (well I hoped). Nothing since, other than yet another poke. I'm just so intrigued, damnit! Why, after almost a year since we first met, does he want to speak to me again? It's not like we had anything special... it could've been if he hadn't have turned into Chief Knobjockey, but well.. I'm getting sick of the childish 'poking' I mean... really... what a stupid invention.

So. I want to email him. Find out what he wants. A little bit of me is wondering if he is still mildly attracted to me, in which case I would thoroughly enjoy A) the ego-boost and B) the chance to rub his face in how I'm in a beautiful relationship with a decent young fellow, all because he fucked things up with us two. That would be fun. Do I do it? Do I send him a message? Answers on a postcard. No, that would be silly. Please can you comment with a yes or no. Even if you don't know me. Or the situation. Just your gut instinct.

Speaking of the 'decent young fellow', he had the audacity to invite me round to his mate's house and smoke half a J in front of me. Cheeky sod. but then we had movie sex so it was ok
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
11:08 pm
I have an exam tomorrow for which i have not revised. Instead, I am mucking about with my phone.

Look, it's boris!

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

And here's an evil dog i saw in the toy section of tesco

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

This week Nightline got the chance to do the cloakrooms at the S.U each night, so basically a couple of the members get roped in to sitting in a shitty room all night looking after people's coats to try and make some money for the club/society. Yesterday me and Jen were doing it. Started off quite dull... but then we found two pairs of... ROLLER-BLADES!!!1

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

AND THEN.... we found the TV hiding in a cupboard and we watched Aladin. The bouncers kept walking up and down and stopping to watch it. Much fun was had...

and dancing to the Whole New World song off aladin...

NB: I had had a couple of v strong cocktails prior to filming.

Sunday, May 20th, 2007
1:57 pm
My back is killing me from hunching over my desk doing revision. But there's not a lot I can do about it. I've taken ibruprofen and am currently kneeling at my desk on a cushion, which is quite comfy atm, but that won't last.

So... the days past:

Had a good exam on mon, followed by a shit exam on thurs. Shit exam was made shitter coz my revision time was cut short. Had to go to the hospital about my hiccups on weds, to see a gastro consultant.

He agreed with me about it being some sort of tic-disorder, but being a gastro specialist, and not a neurologist, he could say for sure. So he said he'd put me through a battery of tests to rule out anything in his area, and then refer me to a neurologist. So on wednesday he did a physical, and then sent me to get a chest x-ray. On thursday I had to go back to have my bloods taken. Next wednesday I have to have an EEG scan, and then thursday I have to have a barium swallow test. I cannot wait.

Actually the EEG should be ok, I've had to do one before in an experiment, and will have to actually conduct them on people myself in 3rd year, so it's something i'm interested in.

Days ahead:

exam on tuesday. Haven't been to any of these lectures, but there's only 5, and Social Psychology's pretty straight-forward

Finish my exam on friday - woo! but i'm really gonna fail that one - think i'm gonna try and move my barium swallow test till afterwards so i've actually got a day to revise.

Dan's birthday on saturday. he'll be the grand age of 21. I've got him a t-shirt which says 'Milton Keynes - the place of dreams' Which it is. He lives quite close to it so should find it amoosing too. I'm really glad we had the chat on that monday. It was pretty scary, but he's really been making an effort. Really really has. It's nice to know that a bit of self-sacrifice has led to something positive, rather than me being taken for a mug.

The week after it's the summer ball. I really want this '50s style dress off dollydagger.co.uk but they don't have any in a 12, or even a 14. I've got loads of accessories to go with it too so it would be perfect. I've emailed them, hoping they'll get my size in in time. If not, I've found this fab '80s cocktail dress on ebay. It is proper proper 80s, with rouching and two-tiered ra-ra skirtness and a huge bow, it's only about a tenner inc p&h so might just get it anyway. I have no idea what it will look like on me and don't really have any accessories to match, but it's fab. I just hope i'm brave enoguh to wear it. Hahaha dan's gonna hate it teehee.

ARGH my back is really stupidly painful. If it wouldn't mean having to do my exams in the summer, i'd be really tempted to get doctor's note. cannot concentrate at all..
Monday, May 14th, 2007
5:12 pm
Boris is being a moody git and keeps growling at me. I think this may be at least partly due to the fact he doesn't appear to have had a drink since I bought him. I've never seen him drink, and the water level doesn't appear to be going down. I've rinsed the bottle out so it doesn't taste plasticy and I've tried putting it in a new spot... I've also marked the water level so i i can actually measure if he's been drinking on the sly. Does anyone have any tips on how to get a hamster to drink? Or is it a fairly normal thing for them not to drink for 4 days?

Laura said she's gonna try and bring her brother's old cage back with her next time she goes home, it's 3 stories, so a lot more spacious than my crappy little 30cm x 10cm one. I was in the pet store looking at all the big fancy roomy ones longingly. I'm feeling a bit sad that there's only room for a wheel and a toilet roll tube in there. No wonder he hates me. He's still not used to being handled - again anyone have any tips for getting him used to me? I've tried putting myhand in there with treats on it, but half the time he's not bothered and the other half I think he thinks I'm food 'cause he tries to take a little nibble of finger. It's nothing malicious and just a little nip (I have learned when he is being vicious, as then he draws blood..) but it still makesme a little jittry, thus making him jittery etc.


Sue Peet has still not got back to me on the whole 'welsh module' thing, so not v impressed.

Dan's got his nose pierced again wooo! just the one side this time, and a stud rather than a ring, but still. Fit. Now I need to pursuade him to get his lip re-done. Yummy.

Got 6 pots of Muller Rice off some nice people in a van. All legit, though, that sounds like some back-of-a-lorry jobbie, but no, propper employees of the muller company giving packs away for promotional purposes. I don't even like rice pudding. It's like semolina, which is yum, only sicked up again, which is not so yum. But it was free, so like a good student I accepted it humbly and shall force myself to eat it so I can save some food money. To spend on my hamster.
Sunday, May 13th, 2007
6:39 pm
Revision sucks.

Stars - What I'm Trying to Say

You look so good in the shoes of an outcast
I kissed your throat every time they said it wouldn't last
But then I knew you, I knew you, I knew I really knew you

We fell apart in the parties of the empty heart
We danced the junkies in the shadows of bad modern art
We clicked our heels and we wished we were home
One more tab and your silk hits the chrome

I am trying to say
What I want to say
Without having to say
I love you
Saturday, May 12th, 2007
11:05 am
I've bought a hamster.

His name is Boris. Boris Byron "Houdini" Johnson, and he's the same smokey grey as a chinchilla.

squeak squeak
Friday, May 11th, 2007
12:07 pm
We got our 3rd year module selections through the post this morning.

I got:

Cognitive Neuroscience - Yay!
Educational Psychology - Hmm could be good...
Evolutionary Psychology - WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sylfeini Ymchwil - Er. This entire module is in Welsh.

Had to email the student administrator about it as there clearly is an error here. HOWEVER if they decide it's not some how an error that they're going to fix now, then I'll have to go through the standard change of module prcedure.... where i have to fill in a special form at the begining of each semester... and will only find out if my request has been accepted 2 WEEKS in to the semester.

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
12:59 am
Saturday, April 28th, 2007
6:35 pm
I never ever want to see you 'til our wedding day
On a slight down note....

Just read a new blog on cry-space from amy, who has been one of my best friends since year 9. We were each others' first friend at high school, and even through all the dramas we remained pretty close. But since we left 6th form me and hannah have been slowly... phased out of her life. It's not because she's got new friends at uni, and they've got more in common or whatever, which kinda has happened, but y'know, that happens to us all. It's the fact that who she now refers to as her 'home mates' are some lads that barely liked her when we left 6th form. Now her whole world revolves around them. She's just written this whole blog thanking her uni and 'home' friends for being so brill etc etc etc and how she would've never gotten through these last few years without them and blahhh. I know things change, but it kinda feels now as if these last 6 years we've been mates have meant sweet f a to her. Cheers mate, cheers...

Oh well. It's not a major poo because this whole 'phasing out' thing... she's changed again and again and it's not really worth getting all fret up about it, because although we've had all these fun years, it's clearly not going to continue, not matter how hard i could try.
3:07 pm
I am trying to say what I want to say without having to say I love you
I can't stop listening to Stars. They're just beautiful. So perfect for just chilling out to in the sunshine.

I woke up feeling so good today, for a change. The past few nights I haven't slept very well and have been waking up rather reluctantly. I blamed it on my memo-foam matress being 5inches to the left of what it normally is, and when Dan came round last night he moved it back to normal. So, maybe it was that that made me wake up so happy, or maybe it was sharing my bed with Dan for the first time in a week that did it. I don't know, and I'm not sure i want to know, but I'm feeling a little mushy inside.
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
7:37 pm
Anybody want to buy a dress?

I'm selling my pride and joy 'cause I've never been able to wear it properly. *sigh*

Saturday, April 21st, 2007
5:00 pm
Dear friends, I have now decided I am going to freeze my egg.
[ << Previous 20 ]
myspace, not yours   About LiveJournal.com